Thursday, March 25, 2010

why?

why do I bother?
why even make the effort?
I wasn't even expecting the funk since spring is here...

Maybe it's my long lingering cold,
that leaves me with no energy by the evening time.

Or the six day work weeks,
and the stress of doing other people's jobs,
in addition to mine.

This blog.
The Times Union blog.
Wasting time on Facebook.
The Bicycle Coalition (and upcoming Bike Month).
The Bicycle Rescue.
Painting.
Photography.
Monthly gallery shows.
Trying to network and expand into new galleries.
Trying to work with other photographers,
(portrait & wedding) to grow.
Attempting to assemble a new website,
and photo site for that all important self promotion.

All that falls behind:
caring for the kids.
house repairs.
yard work.
cleaning the house.
taking care of the dogs (and cats).
Dr. and vet appointments.
packing lunches in the morning.
doing dishes and laundry in between all of the above,

and not having the appropriate response
when someone asks...
why I couldn't do a task that only takes five minutes.

I'm spent!
I needed to put together a movie night at the local theater.
And I said FUCK IT.
Who cares if I spend what little free time I have,
to give them something to decide to NOT show up to.

And after NEVER missing a bicycle coalition meeting,
I almost didn't go (I did call out sick to the Bicycle Rescue one).
Who cares if I go?
What difference does it make?
I'll never seriously race.
I question if conditions for cyclists will ever improve.
I'm just some guy who is content riding his bike to work,
and riding around town.

Then I thought,
"maybe I should start saving for a car"
what would I get?
And I spent the last day tooling around online.
(what I found will be tomorrow's post).
And I found myself thinking
"I should just give up on biking"
"I should just focus on photography"
"why waste my time on the blogs, no one reads this"

but it started settling in last night on my ride home from work,
as I meandered around potholes,
and hopped over manholes, sorry,
personhole covers.
I ride simply because it's fun.

And as I sat at the Bicycle Coalition meeting tonight,
I sat at a table of people who have been hurt by cars,
who lost their rights as citizens of the city,
simply because they choose to ride a bike.
We all share the same fire.
My kids deserve the right to be safe and respected while on a bike,
(and off).

FUCK IT,
guess there's gonna be a Bike Movie night this year.

3 comments:

gwadzilla said...

make it so...
people may not thank you
yet people will be thankful

honestly... it is not all or nothing

I go through transitions all the time

a few years ago I had to step back and make some similar decisions

I gave up the mountain bike article in a local cycling magazine
I decided not to work on a local cycling board
I had to cut back
all sorts of things had to be removed from the forefront of my brain

less focus on advocacy and more focus on my day job

I was picking up more things
which meant some things had to go

it was apparent I could not be all the people I want to be

I wanted to coach my kid's soccer team
but I could not manage that and all the other things simultaneously

so I bowed down from a number of interests
a handful of them cycling related

and well
I really enjoy coaching soccer
in fact... this year I almost took on my older son's team as well

maybe next year

what is the movie going to be?

The Bailly Family said...

This has nothing to do with your post, but I love the photo of you and the (notso) little one.

m e l i g r o s a said...

step back, take a deep breath and take a nap. spring will come. summer will come.
stay positive - much luv from California
xo.meli